


Scenario D

by Qu_Marsh



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-09-13
Updated: 2001-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:13:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qu_Marsh/pseuds/Qu_Marsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quistis tries to decipher her relationship with Xu while on mission to Dollet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scenario D

"Everyone back off the beach! We're coming in to fight the monster!" 

Chaos reigned on the shores of Dollet as a serpentine sea monster snaked its head out of the waves. Those on the beach were fleeing in all directions from the creature's jaws and claws, while other citizens crowded around to watch the chaos. 

Quistis watched the disorder fail to resolve itself and winced. "Xu, could you get everyone off the beach while I handle the monster?" She turned and jumped over the railing to the beach. 

Xu nodded and stepped up on the railing separating the raised plaza from the actual beach. "Everyone, form two lines and go up the stairs two at a time! No pushing; if we do this calmly, everyone will be just fine." The mob gradually began to assemble it into order, thankful that someone was taking charge. While she certainly didn't look imposing - she wasn't even wearing her SeeD uniform, just a plain white dress - Xu had both an air of authority and an earnest charisma that made her instantly likeable and obeyable. 

Xu guided the crowd to Dollet's central plaza as satisfaction welled within her. She loved to lead people like this, much more than she did fighting, but with the world calming down there were precious few crises that needed her attention. She didn't really know why she found taking command so compelling. It was just her thing; like Irvine and sniping or Selphie and piloting or Quistis and... everything. 

Quistis emerged from the crowd, having made short work of the monster with her blue magic. "Thanks." 

"Yeah," said Xu, a bit hestitantly. 

Dollet's mayor approached the duo. "Good work, SeeDs," she said, yanking the cigarette out of her mouth. "Those things have been giving us hell lately. They say it's because of that satellite dish the Galbadians set up." 

"Why don't you just shut the dish off?" Quistis asked. "The interference from Adel's Prison is gone; no one needs a dish that big for anything anymore." 

"We would have, if there weren't so many monsters that no one could get up there. But if you SeeDs are interested in giving it a shot, we'll hire you for the job. Can't guarantee you any help though; our soldiers gave up trying." 

"Actually, we're already hired," Xu explained. "We're contracted to stay here until Dollet's monster problem is dealt with." 

"Well, that works too," the mayor said. "Can you give it a look tomorrow? We can have some soldiers escort you partway up the mountain; but once you get to the tower, you're on your own." 

"Sure," both SeeDs said together. Xu grinned. They were really too much like each other. 

After going over their assignment with the mayor, the pair made their way up to their third-story hotel room. Located in Dollet's central plaza, their lavishly room was high enough to give them a view of the beach as well the surrounding city. Quistis stepped in and exhaled deeply in relief. "I'm beat," she explained, stretching her arms out in front of her body. "I can't stand those long drives." 

"Yeah," Xu said distantly as she ventured into the room and set down her traveling supplies. She always had such a time knowing what to make of these missions. She certainly enjoyed the company the most. Quistis was her best friend, a mirror image of her with just enough differences to give them a relationship. They certainly made an effective team, though Xu hardly thought of her excursions with Quistis as missions. They were more like blessings, transcendental moments when there was just her and Quistis and happiness. 

Too much happiness. 

Everything about Quistis filled Xu with painfully adoring glee - glee that she was forced to restrain, to hide from display so that Quistis would never know her her SeeD partner wanted to be... well, her partner in other things. Working with Quistis was a continuing exercize in unfulfillment for Xu, and it was slowly tearing her apart. 

Quistis saw her looking rather vacant and frowned. "Something wrong, Mengshi?" 

"I'm fine." 

"Okay." Trusting her friend's judgment, Quistis stepped into the shower. Xu just stared vacantly at the wall, realizing with self-loathing that her obsession was growing more and more consuming. 

It used to be easy enough to avoid. Sure, she'd always thought of Quistis a little... differently since Hyne knew how long, but she had had no trouble shutting her crush away as an impossibility. She had been perfectly content being platonic best friends - until two months ago, when Quistis had announced that she was bisexual. And, then for a brief terrifying moment, it seemed as if Xu might be compelled to act on the secret yearnings she had sheltered for years. 

And so she had taken the easy way out. No, she had said when Quistis had asked her if she had ever felt any of the same feelings Quistis was experiencing. No, she insisted, she was definitely straight. 

It was a perfectly innocent question for Quistis to have asked; Xu certainly didn't hold it against her. It was Xu's own fault and her fault alone. And now she had condemned herself to this torturous almost-bliss, of knowing that she and Quistis could be lovers and yet... couldn't. Should be, but never would be. 

Quistis stepped dripping out of the shower and reached for her towel. Still staring into space, Xu suddenly found herself gazing at Quisty's well-defined nude backside. Xu flushed and looked quickly away. Hyne, she was beautiful; she had to admit to being pathetic enough to want to look more. And yet it pained her to think that Quistis would not be so casual in her nudity if she knew that Xu was lusting after her. Poor Quistis was so oblivious to everything. Xu loved her so much, but couldn't bear to make herself a burden on Quisty. And there she went again, loving and cursing every moment she spent with Quistis. Would this hell ever end? 

And the worst part of it was that they really _were_ perfect for each other. They were too much like each other: both the mature, serious ones, the relentless overachievers who had smashed every record Garden had known while scarcely taking notice. Despite being two years older, Xu was always the sidekick, the always-polite, overly-earnest one who lent back-up to Quisty's accomplishments and had been more than happy to do so. And then there was Quistis herself: Brilliant, intelligent, beautiful, and too modest to notice any of it. She always seemed to be bearing a smile of continual bemusement, loving the world but gently teasing it for its foibles. She was just so perfect that way. 

Perfect. Xu just didn't know how else to describe Quistis; words were too restraining to capture that essence that made her _Quistis_. Was Quistis perfect? Was being perfect being Quistis? Perfect, Quistis, it was all the same thing. And either way, Xu didn't dare dream of even smudging Quisty's incalculable wonderfulness by imposing herself on it. 

Quistis dressed in her underwear and bathrobe. Seeing Xu still looking rather moody, she crossed the room and put a hand on her shoulder. "C'mon, Miss Sulky, how about a game of cards?" 

"Okay." 

Quistis and Xu sat down at the small round table on the opposite side of the room from beds. "You choose the rules," Quistis offered to give her slightly less skilled friend a helping hand. 

"Er... Elemental, Plus Combo." 

As the two leaders of the Card Club began their duel, Xu's attention was focused solidly on her opponent and not the game. Just sitting here, playing cards with her sweet, intelligent Quisty ... this was what she wanted to do forever. Except it was precisely Quistis' seriousness and lack of interest in romance that she idolized. Except that Quistis would never love her the way she loved Quisty. Except she had lied to her. 

Xu mechanically added another card to the table. Yes, that was the damning factor. She could never tell Quistis the truth now. She knew Quistis trusted her completely, more than anyone else -- and Quistis, well, she was Xu's only real friend to begin with. And even when she was dying for Quistis' affection, Xu could never bring herself to risk their friendship - the most precious thing she had - by confessing that she had betrayed Quistis' trust. She would just have to find some way to content herself with being only friends, of pretending to be heterosexual for the rest of her Hyneforsaken life. 

"It's your turn, Mengshi," Quistis prodded. 

Xu threw her trademark Carbunkle card down randomly. Quistis stared at it. "Er, are you _sure_ you want to do that?" 

"Go ahead," Xu snapped. 

Quistis rolled her eyes. "Well, all right." She played Gilgamesh and flipped over all but one of the cards on the table. "Plus Combo, I win." 

"Good game," Xu said vacantly. How true it was. Poor little Carbunkle. Acted without thinking and got crushed by the mighty Gilgamesh. Xu stared hatefully down at the cards, wanting them to sweep them off the table and tear them apart in a mad flurry of violence. More than anything she wanted to not be here, with Quistis staring at her. She wanted her so bad it was making her sick. Her stomach was tightening up, her temperature rising ... why couldn't she just _die_? 

Her more rational managed to catch herself growing far too self-absorbed for her own good. She rose and stretched. "I think I'll go to bed early," she said curtly. 

"Tired?" 

"Yeah." Still feeling claustrophobic, she dragged her personal things into the bathroom, showered, changed, and got ready for bed. As she stood over the sink in her pajamas, brushing her teeth, she stared herself down in the mirror with a mixture of loathing and morose self-pity. Hyne. They would be so perfect together. 

If only she hadn't lied. 

When Xu stepped out of the bathroom, the lights were off; Quistis had already retired for the night. Xu crept silently past her to the empty bed closer to the window and balcony. She crawled inside and pulled the covers up around herself. The knot in her stomach was getting worse; if anything, it was getting stronger. She knew that she was only making it worse by dwelling on it; if she simply let go of this impossible dream, she could return to her previous content, rational self. Even to being happy to be here on this mission with just her best friend. 

Wait. What if she pretended she'd just now realized she was a lesbian? Perhaps she could excuse her lies that way. _"How did you find out you were gay, Xu?" "Well, I was checking out your ass as you got out of the shower."_ No, so much for that plan. 

No, it was hopeless. No matter how she broke the news to Quisty, she would know why Xu had been lying to her. "Hyne!" Xu swore. It hurt so much. Feeling her nausea growing worse, she scrambled out of bed and fled to the bathroom. She knelt over the toilet and let her mouth hang open lamely. 

It didn't take her long to vomit. 

_I'm so pathetic._

"Mengshi?" The light flicked on and Quistis appeared in the doorway in her nightshirt, looking a bit haggard from her sudden awakening but more than anything concerned. "Are you sick?" 

Xu lifted her head up and let panic began to ease as clean air washed into her. She breathed deeply several times, washing out the sensation of sickness, then spoke at last. "No. I'm fine," she said sadly. She knew this wasn't right, that she shouldn't be having fits like this. This wasn't fair to Quistis, to abuse her friendship and make her worry like this. Every time she flipped like this she was driving another stake into their relationship. She whimpered softly. 

Quistis narrowed her eyes. "You don't _look_ fine." 

Still crouching, Xu grabbed a paper towel and wiped her mouth. "It's nothing," she replied quickly. "Maybe just something bad I ate. Go back to bed." 

Quistis would not be shaken that easily. "We're going to the mountain tomorrow; are you going to be all right?" she persisted. "Should I call Garden for back-up?" 

"No. I can do it." That much she was sure of. She might hate and distrust her emotions, but Xu had absolute confidence in her abilities as a SeeD. And if her obsession with Quistis had so consumed her as to interfere with her work ... well, she didn't want to consider the implications of _that_. 

"Mengshi, if you're sick you shouldn't go; it'll endanger you _and_ the mission. Are you sure you're okay?" Quistis sounded genuinely concerned. She knelt down beside Xu and put an arm around her shoulders. 

As Quistis wrapped her arm around her, the wracking returned. Xu felt her stomach lurch and cheeks flush as she quickly concentranted all her willpower to keep herself from retching again. _"Get away from me!"_ she wanted to scream. Or... or... 

"Can we go somewhere else?" she forced herself to say. "I want to talk." 

"How about the balcony?" 

"Sure." 

Xu followed Quistis out to the small balcony adjoining their hotel room. The last vestiges of sunlight were still illuminating Dollet, giving the two girls enough list to see each other by. Xu looked out over the city, not wanting to face Quistis directly. "Quistis," she began. But her self-loathing indecisiveness got the better of her and she halted again. 

"Mengshi, what's going on?" Quistis asked from behind her. "You've been acting really strangely lately; I know something's been bothering you. C'mon, don't be shy. I'm your friend. I want to know what's wrong." 

Pause. She had to do this... "I'm gay," she said simply. There, it was done. But now... 

Quistis did not react. "You told me you were heterosexual, Xu," she shot back immediately. 

"I lied." The admission ripped itself bitterly from her mouth in the simplest form possible. 

Then Quistis showed some emotion. She let out a sad, knowing sigh; not a criticism but an unwavering acknowledgment that even the people she trusted the most would lie to her. "Why?" 

_Because I don't know how to tell you I love you. Because I'm afraid of escaping this secure little prison of indecisiveness. Because..._ "...I... I just wasn't too sure." 

Quistis nodded. "I understand. It took me a long time ... probably too long ... to convince myself I was who I am. So don't feel you're the only one." 

_Hyne, how can I do this to her?_ Here Quistis was being kind, a consummate friend, making a true effort to support Xu through her problems. And they were all problems of Xu's own fabrication, ones she had pulled out of a thin air to shield herself from facing her real fears. She knew it was selfish. Other people had issues just like hers, but they didn't take taking advantage of their friends' good intentions like this. _Why me?_

Quistis walked up beside Xu and, leaning forward slightly, rested her forearms on the edge of the balcony. "I know it's hard sorting out anything about yourself. So please let me know if there's anything you want to talk about. Don't be intimidated; remember, I've been through this too." 

This wasn't right. Quistis was taking this too calmly. What if she already knew? Xu started to panic again. What if Quistis had been loathing her, taunting her all this time, waiting to see how long it would take her to confess what Quistis had realized ages ago? She had to learn exactly where she stood, no matter how terrible the outcome might be. "You don't seem too surprised," she said, daring herself to drag the awful truth out of Quistis. 

"I had my suspicions." 

_OH DEAR HYNE NO!_ Xu's mind exploded. What if she knew that she... that she... Xu looked up at Quistis, her desperate eyes silently pleading for more information. 

"I've never seen you interested in guys, and, well, you were a bit too insistent that you were straight," she explained. 

Xu looked away. It was a relief that Quistis hadn't figured out the exact object of her affections, but... at this point, it seemed only a matter of time. And she'd still have her old troubles. Because she knew that no matter how Quistis reacted, no matter how much Quistis might hate her after that, she would still love her. Quistis was ... was her own fault, not Quisty's. 

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Mengshi," Quistis said. 

"It's not that; I'm... I'm..." Come on, she had to think of some excuse. Lying was her specialty. "I was... worried about how the other girls would act, you know. Like... you, and Selphie and Rinoa..." That was uncomfortably close to the truth, but it was the only answer she had -- because nothing else _could_ explain the way she was acting. She prayed that this was vague enough that Quistis wouldn't catch on. 

"Well, you weren't lusting after _me_ , were you?" 

"No." She said it before she could control herself. It was what she had trained herself to do: To deny everything, to escape from any threat to her security as quickly as possible. Yes, she was only murdering her hopes before they ever had a chance ... but she just couldn't deal with the uncertainty. Defeat and longing were all she knew, but at least they were familiar. 

Quistis chuckled nervously. "Okay, just checking." She said it as if it was comical, this notion that Xu might be pining for her. Hyne, she could never have her. She would be Quistis' dear friend forever, yes, but never her lover. Just the sidekick, the lackey, the forgotten little friend who cared more about Quistis than Quistis could ever care for her. 

"Well, you're still my friend and I'm certainly not going to treat you any differently because of who else you might be attracted to. And I really don't think any of the other girls will, either." 

_Yes, that was the problem. Still her friend. Never her lover,_ Xu repeated to herself. _Hyne, I hate myself._

"Come on, we should get back to sleep," Quistis said, reaching out to wrap an arm around Xu's shoulders. "Standing out here dwelling on it isn't going to make you feel any better." 

Xu nodded and turned. She hung her head and shied away from Quistis' gesture of support. Leaving Quistis looking slighted and offended, Xu stormed back into the room and rolled forcefully into bed. She buried her face in the pillow, not wanting to look at Quistis as she returned to her own bed. 

_Don't cry. Don't cry,_ she told herself. _If you cry she'll hear you. You can't cry._

Xu flopped over, looking away from Quistis and out to the balcony instead. She stared out at the city skyline, wishing she could be any one of those buildings, anywhere where she could be free from having to deal with this. Because right now she was only digging herself a bigger hole with every conversation. She had told Quistis - told her to her face - that she had never considered dating her - the most blatant lie yet. And even if Quistis had once been interested in her, how could she care for her once she found out that Xu could not even face her love for what it was? She wanted to be a SeeD still, to fight alongside Quisty as she always had ... but this was destroying her. She didn't know how much longer she could live like this. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered in a pathetic apology to the world in general. 

She rolled over and went to sleep. 

~

As the duo began their ascent to the communications tower the next day, it was Quistis' turn for moodiness and insecurity. Xu's confession last night was bothering her more than she felt it should. She wasn't even sure _why_ it was bothering her. Was it just because Xu had lied to her, or did it have to do with Xu's sexuality? It certainly wasn't that she was homophobic - after all, she was bi herself - but something about this was gnawing away at her confidence. What if she was attracted to Xu? What if Xu was attracted to her? What if she _wasn't_? Every prospect seemed terrifying. What if she was starting to fall for Xu when Xu truly didn't care for her as anything more than a friend? What if Xu was actually interested in her? She didn't think she was prepared to return Xu's affections. But what if she could? Perhaps the prospect that they both might love each other was the most disturbing of them all. 

_This isn't like you, Quistis,_ she scolded herself. _Get a hold of yourself and do this logically. What were the possibilities? Scenario A, she wasn't interested in Xu and Xu wasn't interested in her. Scenario B, she was interested in Xu, but Xu wasn't interested in her. Scenario C, she wasn't interested in Xu, but Xu was interested in her. Scenario D, they were both interested in each other._ Those were the only possible situations ... but of which of them was what was really happening? 

She was initially drawn to Scenario A. That was the simplest, a nice pragmatic solution that wouldn't cause any trouble. She and Mengshi had been best friends for years ... had passed their SeeD test together ... ran the Card Club together. Mengshi was the only person she trusted and believed in completely - at least until last night - and she didn't want anything threatening that friendship. But Scenario A also failed to explain why she was feeling so unsure of herself. And while she had never before considered _Xu_ \- after all, Xu had sworn she was straight - she was still waiting desperately for romance. Yes, she would try to lie to herself, to tell herself she was perfectly content being single, but she knew she was really yearning for something better. Something like... Scenario D. 

But she was getting ahead of herself. What if she was in Scenario B? Xu had explicity told her yesterday that she _wasn't_ considering Quistis as anything more a friend. And while Quistis normally would trust Xu's word unwaveringly, there was the little fact that Xu had already lied about her sexual orientation. 

An Anaconduar wriggled down the path towards them, interrupting Quistis' train of thought. As Xu crouched into a fighting stance with her pair of double-bladed knives, Quistis spun her whip over her head and struck the monster. Xu then raced in and slashed the monster with both blades before leaping back out of range. _Scenario B -- no! can't think about that now!_ Quistis tried to mentally stem off the relationship woes sneaking back into her brain and stay focused on the battle. She struck the monster a second time. The Anacondaur reared up and slashed Xu across the face with its poisonous fangs. Xu took the opportunity to plunge her daggers into the beast's neck. This time, the Death spells junctioned to the weapon took effect and slew the Anacondaur instantly. 

Quistis mechanically produced a vial of clear liquid and handed it to Xu. She downed the antidote and tucked the empty vial away. "Thanks." 

The pair continued up the trail in silence, allowing Quistis to return to her meditation. Could she trust Xu? Much as she wanted to believe that Xu was being completely honest, the notion that Xu did not think of her as anything more than friend simply failed to mesh with all of her friend's increasingly irrational behavior. But even if she accepted the evidence that Xu had a crush on her, that left Scenario C. Perhaps all this turmoil had rendered her confused about her own feelings towards Xu. But Quistis was honest enough with herself to know that was not true. Because if Xu was available and interested in her, she was more than eager to return the affection. 

Xu and Quistis reached the radio tower. Xu glanced over at Quistis, hoping to break the uncomfortable silence, but saw her friend still lost in thought and decided not to impose herself on her friend any further - especially because what was troubling her was probably Xu's own misdeeds. They entered the tower in silence and stood on the elevator together. Xu flicked the switch and the small steel platform began to rise up a groove in the wall. 

_And so that leaves Scenario D,_ Quistis concluded. They both wanted each other. It was still a bit jarring to think of it that way, to admit to herself that was what she was feeling, but she couldn't exactly deny it at this point. Yes, Mengshi no doubt was thinking of her right now, probably wondering whether or not Quistis would accept her. And she... well, she had fallen for Mengshi. Badly. 

Meanwhile, one side of the elevator was starting to slip off the track as many months without maintenance took their toll. "Quistis, something's wrong with the elevator!" Xu said desperately. 

Quistis cringed. "All right, better hang onto the rails," she advised. It was a meager precaution, but the only thing she could think of in this state. 

The loose side of elevator suddenly slipped free from the rails and dropped. The platform tilted downward into a vertical position, leaving Quistis and Xu clinging on the vertical rails and dangling with no foothold. Quistis swung her feet around until she managed to wedge them between one of the track pieces and the wall. Thus supporting herself, she unhooked her whip from her belt and began to lash it upwards. After a few slings, she managed to catch it on one of the beams. 

Quistis tested the whip, making sure it was secure, then looked across to her partner. "Do you think you'll be able to reach this?" 

"Probably not." 

"Would you be okay with my just climbing up there and fixing it alone?" 

"Sure." 

Quistis nodded. She clutched her whip tightly and swung away from the wall. There was a brief moment of tension - what if she suddenly ended up falling? - which soon passed as the whip bore her weight without incident. Quistis climbed carefully upwards, hand-over-hand. Suddenly, an Elnoyle crashed through the roof. The giant black demon winged down towards the dangling Quistis. 

Xu cast Float on herself and sprang from her perch, reaching for her daggers as soon as her hands were free. She hurled one of the Death-junctioned blades into the Elnoyle's chest. The monster died instantly and dropped from the air. Xu bobbed down more gently and touched down at the base of the tower, crouching only slightly from the impact. 

"Thanks!" Quistis shouted from above. "I'll be right back!" She scrambled up the rest of the rope and onto the exterior platform where Squall, Selphie, and Zell had once battled Biggs and Wedge. 

Xu paced the base of the tower, feeling herself sinking back into misery. She had been grateful for the action, the chance to take her mind off her woes with something worthwhile, but now that there was nothing for her to do, she was inevitably drawn back to evaluating and re-evaluating her romantic situation. She couldn't help but wonder about Quistis' silence. Surely Quisty's uncharacteristic moodiness was connected to what she had done last night. But she had to admit she wasn't sure what Quistis was thinking. Quistis was smart ... surely she must have realized why Xu had been keep her sexuality secret. Was Quistis just going to wait until Xu confessed? Was she planning on confronting her when they got back to Garden? Was there any vain hope that perhaps, just perhaps, Quistis might be attracted to her? 

Quistis re-appeared at the top of the tower. "Got it!" she reported. She cast a Float spell of her own on herself, unhooked her whip, and leapt down. The SeeD drifted slowly down and landed not too far away from Xu. 

"Nice job," Xu congratulated her. 

"You too," Quistis said amiably, resting her hand on Xu's shoulder. Xu looked uncomfortably away until Quistis released her. 

Quistis tried to contain her smile. It was so obvious now that she had to wonder if Xu wasn't playing games. That didn't really seem like her, but who knew how she would behave when it came to her love life? Either way, Quistis couldn't help but feel embarassingly giddy. Yes, she was living a cliché, but it was _true_. All this time she'd been searching for romance, and here it was waiting for her right under her nose. 

She didn't really regret living in Scenario A for so long. Perhaps they could have gotten together sooner, but Xu still had brought her plenty of joy as a platonic friend. And she probably could have been happy that way. But - and she couldn't help but grin to think about it - now she had a chance to bring herself that much more of Xu. 

She was ready for Scenario D. 

~

"Mengshi," Quistis said sternly as soon as they were back in their hotel room, "can we sit down for a moment? I'd like to talk." 

In less than a second Xu was in full panic mode. She knew she had been found out. "S-sure." She didn't expect to get out of this one -- after all, this was all happening because of _her_ ; she'd brought it all on herself. No, this was only the justice she deserved. 

Xu and Quistis sat down at opposite sides of the table. "Mengshi, yesterday you told me you were homosexual," Quistis began. _This must be what execution is like,_ Xu mused. You knew exactly how you were going to die and got to watch as they killed you step-by-step just the way they had planned. "I had to wonder why you didn't tell me earlier, because you don't usually keep things for me. Now perhaps I'm just mistaken," she said with a wry smile, knowing full well she wasn't, "but it seems that the main reason you wouldn't want to tell me you were a lesbian is if I might happen to be the object of those lesbian affections. Which might also explain why you've been spending half the day staring vacantly at either me or the wall and trying not to talk to me. And the sudden sickness you developed when you had to stay in a hotel room with me. And the way, despite your attempts to hide it, you keep taking peeks at me when I'm changing clothes." 

_How much longer is she going to continue this? You've made your point, Quisty. I did all this to you and I'm sorry but please don't force it on me again._

"So how long have you had a crush on me, Mengshi?" 

"I... I..." She was too weakened to even be further terrified by this question. "I don't know. Forever." 

"I wish you'd said something sooner," Quistis said matter-of-factly. "I would've liked to go out with you too." 

Xu almost collapsed right there. That was it. It was over, and she'd won. It had been that simple... and she'd barely had to say a thing. She smiled dumbly at Quistis, not knowing how any words of hers could equal the relief she had just been granted. Quistis really wanted her. She wanted to go out with her; they could be a couple! And that meant she no longer had to gaze woefully at Quistis as an unattainable ideal. She could tell Quistis how happy she made her and how much she loved her and how everything about her so was perfect... 

Quistis pursed her lips with quiet amusement. "Mengshi," she said with a gentle teasing tone, "can I ask you another question?" 

Xu silently nodded her head, not trusting herself to speak. 

"Were you dropping hints because you didn't want to make the first move? Or were you just doing a really bad job of keeping a secret?" 

"Oh, Hyne." Xu's cheeks flared with embarassment and she she hid her face in her hands to conceal her humiliation at the revelation of her incompetence. "Was I really that obvious?" 

Quistis tried not to laugh at Xu's naïvete. It wasn't that it was worthy of mockery ... it was just so adorable, so ... so _Xu_ the way she thought she had been pulling one over on her. "Yes." 

Xu spread her fingers, allowing her to peek out from her palms. "Hyne, this is so embarassing," she said. "I'm such an idiot." 

"It was cute," Quistis reassured her. But she made that her last comment on the subject, as the conversation was straying too far into teasing and not what really mattered. The restrained smile that Xu so adored disappeared from Quistis' face as she forced herself to consider this relationship a little more seriously. "I really I am... delighted about being together." She stared wistfully at Xu's shielded face. "You've been such a good friend to me and... and I'm glad we can be even more." 

"Quistis, I- I was so afraid, I..." Xu's voice cut off in mid-sentence as she found herself having too many things to say and no idea where to begin. 

Quistis got up and walked to the other side of the table. She stood beside Xu and gently ran her hand through Xu's hair, letting the relaxing, repetitive motion occupy her body while her mind drifted free. It was still so staggeringly new to think of Xu this way ... or to think of _anyone_ this way, for that matter. "Mengshi... I don't know where to begin," she said quietly. "Except to say that you don't need to be afraid ... because whatever you're feeling I'm feeling too." 

Xu gradually lowered her fingers from her face, feeling terribly defenseless to her emotions. She glanced meekly up at Quistis, almost childlike in her pleading for reassurance. "I..." Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Hyne, Quisty, I love you." She threw her arms around Quistis, hugged herself fiercely to Quistis's abdomen, and started crying. 

Quistis gently eased Xu's head away for a second and knelt down, bringing herself down to Xu's level while still keeping her friend's arms around her. Xu managed to halt her sobs long enough to look up into Quistis' face for one brief moment. Perfect. She really was. Xu spontaneously burst out in tears anew and threw herself at Quistis again, not knowing how else to get a grip on her feelings. Quistis wrapped her arms around Xu's shoulders and gently eased her closer. 

"I'm sorry for lying so long," Xu sobbed, pressing her face into Quistis' shoulder. 

"S'ok," Quistis murmured, raising one of her hands to caress Xu's hair and neck. While calming her lover, she braced herself and tried to force herself to relax as well. There was no way she could yet begin to comprehend the new life that had exploded from one simple sentence of Quistis'. She had to just act in the here and now and begin comprehending this bit by glorious bit. 

Xu's sobs eventually began to subside. She lifted her head up and breathed deeply to calm herself. "Gosh, I'm so clingy." 

Quistis smiled again and kissed her on the forehead. "I wouldn't have you any other way." 

"I love you, Quisty." 

Quistis couldn't say it. She would love Xu, she knew, but it was still new for her to be able to gush out her feelings. "It's okay," Xu said quietly, having sensed Quistis' thoughts. "You don't have to." 

Quistis smiled. It was just like what she did to Squall. It was so amazing to have someone know _her_ that well. Sheltered, reclusive her. Unable to sit still any longer, Quistis gently leaned Xu back in her chair and let go of her. "Just a second. I have to do something." 

Quistis marched out to the balcony. Then in a burst of sheer exuberance, she raised her fists over her head and shouted, "YES!" 

Xu giggled. "You're going to wake up the whole neighborhood, Quisty." 

"I don't care," Quistis grinned. She shook her head in amused disbelief at what she had become. To think of herself acting this way ... well, she hadn't suspected she had it in her, but Mengshi made her so happy. "Mengshi ... gosh, I'm just wondering how we _didn't_ hook up any earlier." She laughed. "You know, I'm always to going to be the studious, responsible one, but I'm glad for at least one day in my life I could be a lovesick teenage girl who can't wait to get back to Balamb and show everyone her new girlfriend." 

Hyne, hearing Quistis refer to that way... it seemed hard to believe that it was just the day before she had been vomiting out her self-loathing in the middle of the night. She had gotten so used it that she had lost sight of how truly tortured she had been - and how much more joyous life was _supposed_ to be. 

Xu stood up. "Let's go. Right now." She needed to go somewhere, to have some little task to keep her grounded so she wouldn't lose herself again. 

Quistis raised an eyebrow. "In the middle of the night?" 

"Well, I certainly don't think either of us is going to sleep like this." 

Quistis chuckled. Xu stared in rapture at the way she gently bobbed her head as she chuckled, covered her mouth with her hand ... Hyne, she was so perfect! She adored every little mannerism of Quisty's and now... now they were hers. She was so free now, free to take delight in Quistis' wonderfulness without it being a torturous longing, and she just wanted to smother Quistis in her ecstasy. _No, stop it! You're going to start crying again!_ This time, she actually managed to maintain her composure, though her limbs trembled and she clutched the chair to steady herself. 

"That's true," Quistis smiled. "All right, let's hit the road. We'll talk in the car." 

Xu shakily stood upright and joined with Quistis as they headed for the door. Xu's right hand shyly found its way into Quistis' right. They looked at each other and both grinned. 

"Thanks, Quistis." 


End file.
